Long Trip...Short Stay

I just returned from a long trip...short stay with family. It had been two years since I had been home. I had two Aunts, my Mothers sisters who had passed away so visits were different this time.
Mom is showing her age. She had lost weight....and her mind is failing. Alzheimer's runs in her family. I took her to the eye doctor while I was there and they told her she has cataracts and should not drive. Mother was angry....she said she could read without glasses and she was going to drive. No talking to her made a difference.... We managed to get her to ride with us while we were there. But when I called Sunday afternoon she had taken a long drive after her ride brought her home from church. I had tried to get the sisters to come together and make a plan for people to pick her up and so she could shop and do the things she needs to do but they said wait till the surgery and see how well she does. I had no back up so I dismissed it. Now the sisters are fussing with her when she drives...but no plan to help her to not drive. I am 1,200 miles away and have no idea what I can do from here. I am frustrated ....sad and all the other emotions that go with seeing your Mother go down hill...and not being in a position to help. Now I am waiting....hunting for answers....hoping they will come quick.

Life as I have known it is changing.

Today I want to change the name of my page. I don't feel very talkative nor do I feeling like giggling. Today my life has changed and I feel as if it will not ever be the same.

I had other intentions for this page when I first discovered this site ...to tell interesting, humorous antidotes of my time with the youngest Grandson, or crazy,silly things that I do because I am getting a bit older and a bit forgetful. Life had gotten busy with Christmas and I had, the said grandson, for almost two weeks, so I had not posted since I discovered this place and opened an account. I had thought someone might get a smile, chuckle or laugh. Most people who know me face to face, think my life has a lot of funny spots mingled with just plain boring.

But, for as long as it takes, I am using this space to work through a very painful experience. It is so hard, that I can't even type it, even though it is my intention to do so.

It really started yesterday, I had arose earlier than usual because for once I had slept. I have trouble sleeping...probably a side effect of medication I take. Anyway, I got a phone call from my sister, who never calls me. We are very friendly and we talk often, she just doesn't call me, she is busy so, I call her. I always take a deep breath, afraid of bad news when she calls. She and the rest of the family live in our home town and I live many miles away. So, as we small talk. I am thinking of the next shoe dropping. Someone has passed or someone is sick, an accident....but it never came. She asked me for a phone number and said she had to go..we said our loves and goodbyes and that was that. It was only a few minutes, while I am sitting there drinking a cup of coffee that the phone rang again. This time it was sister number two. She doesn't call often either, but I don't hold those same feeling of, "why are you calling me?" as the first sister because she doesn't live with all the relatives that are getting older and when she called I was just glad she had called. She asked about me and my life, about my hubby and of course the grandchildren. And then she said calmly and reassuringly, "I just got out of the hospital. She went on, "they had to do a bunch of tests and well, they found cancer." I can't even remember what kind or all those words that I am totally unfamiliar. I do remember "stage 4....and it is non curable and I might only have months or if the chemo works I could have 2 years or up to 4."

I was stunned. I asked a few questions about how she was feeling. I asked what she was going to do. I fought back tears and acted as strong as she was acting. I was sad. I was shocked. I was sick......She said she was going to go and call sister number three and tell her so she had to go. We said our loves and goodbyes and the phone was dead.

I just sat there...phone in hand, when hubby asked what was wrong. I started to tell him, but he kept looking back at the TV show that he was watching...like he was going to miss something and I just couldn't tell him anything else... I shouted at him, "my sister is dieing and you can't get your nose out of the TV long enough for me to tell you!" He said his denials and I got up and came into the kitchen....he stayed and finished the show. She didn't want me to talk to anyone with the exception of sister number one....who had called first, to find out if I was alone. She didn't want me to be alone when she talked to me. That's funny, I sure felt alone.

This sister is the one that for one month and two days every year we are the same age. I always call her to tell her, "Hi Twin." This is the sister that wrote on the back of an out building ,"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR" because we liked the same guy. The love/hate relationship we have had over the years could fill a book. Although hate is a very strong word and not accurate at all. I have always loved and admired her, but we were and still are very different. And if we both liked the same guy, I guarantee she was going to get the guy 100% of the time. Of course, that has been a lot of years ago, the guy and the hurt are long gone. She is smart, she is determined, and she is strong. She is very self reliant. She also is somewhat of a loner, she never takes advise and she doesn't reach out for help. I think that is what bothers me most, she has one unmarried daughter with her now and, no one else. The battle of a lifetime is taking place and right now, true to form, she is not letting us in....arms length.. but not close.

I sent her an e-card today. She read it at 2:18 pm, so says the e-card company..... I haven't heard anything from her yet. All I can do today is pray. I have prayed all day.